Love relationships are the most important aspects of many people's lives. Heartache, anger, frustration, insecurities, can cause friction in even the most happiest couples. Here are a few of my antidotes to help you along the way, and through a few little rough patches you may be experiencing today:
Communication is the "Currency" of Relationships and we still don't do it very well
One of the communication problems that I deal with here at work the most is " mixed messages." Where, people will say one thing and do another. A lot of clients here may get wonderful praise and great ratings at work, and then when the performance review comes in the are told they won't be getting their bonus this year, or have a satisfactory review, not what they have been lead to think all year long. You all may know someone who blows hot and cold , one day you are their best friend, the next they are too busy to talk; it's hard to feel where you fit in; you feel confused or off balance with certain people, it may be because you are getting "mixed signals" from them. Here are a few tips to help make the communication a bit better:
1. Content & Dynamics: every conversation has these two elements, the subject, the content of the conversation, and the dynamics, process of the conversation. The content maybe issues with children, financial problems, social plans, another persons behavior, and the process may be the way one person monopolizes the conversation, not paying attention to what the other is saying, rambling, motor mouthing, going off topic. When people get angry or upset, they may think the conflict is over content, when in fact, it's often about the process, the dynamics of the conversation. All people develop patterns of communications, some of us better than others, but remarkable similar in the dynamics of conversation. Start noticing people's communication style when you find it difficult or stressful to talk to them, then think and digest the aspects that bother you, it will make it tremendously easier to communicate with them in the future.
2. Right/wrong & Good/Bad, Win/Loose conversations: A discussion is not a debate where the winner gets a trophy. A honest exchange of ideas, information, sharing of feelings or a mutual attempt to solve a problem is the best. If you stop trying to score points, you can learn a lot more about each other and have a better conversation. This practice, will lead to a happier, healthier relationship, decreased tension, whether at home or work, and possibly, more intimacy in a romantic relationship.
3. Keep it Simple: enough said.....
4. Listening, just as important as talking: if not more so......really listen, try and take an interest in what the other is saying, instead of always wanting to be the centre of the conversation. Give others time to respond, don't jump in too quick and monopolize the conversation time. Also, listen to be a good ear sometimes, not to necessarily be the world's problem solver, not all people want your brilliant advice, especially when they are not asking for it, they sometimes just want you to listen and empathize, to care!
5. Timing: Timing is everything, don't try and engage in a very important conversation when the other person is tired or busy. You have to be perceptive with this timing issue if you want the other person to be a good listener. Ask, when would be a great time for you? Missed messages, mixed messages, monopolizing and motor mouthing are all stressful. Sometimes the biggest problem of all is the lack of communication - when people don't talk to each other at all! Practicing these tips in your daily conversations will help you achieve a bit more success, relieve yourself of unnecessary stress and lift you up to the level of communication you desire and also want from others important in your life!
Send out Loving Vibes
Sending out loving vibes, and becoming a more kinder, generous, and extra loving person, giving compliments where compliments are due, becoming less critical, stubborn, and judgmental, instead of being irritated, practice patience and forgiveness. Choose being kind over always having to be right, and put other's needs especially ones of your partner over your own. You do anything and everything that is associated with loving behavior. If you send out loving vibes this way, your relationship will blossom despite the fact that there are tiny flaws. With a lot of loving energy around, all of the small issues tend to work themselves out! It seems impossible in some cases, you cannot send out loving vibes until certain conditions and criteria are met, but, a positive loving change is impossible, the type you are looking for anyway, without making a change to yourself first! Change you, and you change the dynamics of your relationship! Your partner will reflect and also send out loving energy. Let go of controlling him or her, and focus on changing you, right now today. Change your thoughts change your life! See if you can think of some ways to send out more loving vibes to important people in your life-you'll be glad you did! And remember, you get more with honey than you do with vinegar!!!!!
Predict the Predictable
This is a great strategy for all couples and for those that have been together for years and years it's even better. All of us have a certain degree of predictability. Learning to predict the predictable in your partner, and making peace with it, can save you from a great deal of stress and frustration. You can predict certain responses and behaviors in your partner and be accurate in predicting their habits. Once something becomes predictable and accepted in a relationship it automatically becomes a non issue. Why make a federal case out of something so minor when it's so easy to make allowances for the predictability? This doesn't mean you don't care, only that you are not making a huge fight about it. All of us have habits, issues that are easily predictable. When you let go of them, instead of hassling your partner about them, you will be surprises at how often the issues fade away on their own. People change and grow and guess what, if you don't give your partner too hard of a time, maybe they will give you a break too?!
Get Rid of the Jealousy!
Love is not jealous, plain and simple as that! There is almost nothing that can ruin a great feeling between couples faster, or with more certainty, than jealousy. It is however, one of the easiest human emotions to understand. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and insecurity comes from feelings and thoughts of inadequacy. One of the only ways a person can create feelings of inadequacy is to first compare him or herself to others. There are two key ways to cast jealousy out of your life. First and most importantly, to accept the fact that there is always going to be someone out there who has something you do not, more money, better looks, greater charm, a longer list of achievements, whatever. So what? Fantastic for them! Stop comparing yourself to others and you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel about yourself. You have also been gifted with unique talents that others do not enjoy or have. Spend your mental energy focusing on these gifts, and be grateful for your own ability to make a contribution. Secondly, embrace the idea that one person will not fill all of your needs, nor will you fill all of theirs, and that is fine. It's hard to accept and brings up feelings of inadequacy, but we are here to grow and share our energy with others, to grow and be nurtured, to nurture and grow! If you feel jealous or inadequate, quietly reflect on your thoughts. See if you are comparing yourself to others, are you making up stories that only exist in your mind? If you can cast away jealousy, you will experience a freedom from insecurity that will nurture your relationship forever!